"I just want to be fixed- because I feel so broken."

I'm alowing myself four minutes. Four minutes to try and explain the mess I feel- the mess I am. But I'm afraid that explain isn't the right word at all, no. More like explode. I can't take it anymore. All of this death, this "okay, that was sad, but we have things to do, so get over it". I don't want any of it. Of course life goes on, so why do I feel so left behind? Maybe my emotions from years ago are resurfacing due to the suicides. I don't know, but all I want to do is disappear. I've failed. I'm not good enough to even breathe, let alone be given all of these wonderful things that I have. In hard times, instead of turning to God, or Christ, to anyone, I turned my face to the wall and a part of me died. I want her back. Where did she go? My time is up, maybe now I will be able to breathe and let a bit of this darkness that I feel seep out. Maybe I can finish what I was supposed to do hours ago. Maybe I can sleep and stop crying and hating and feeling. I want this empty pain to cease. I'm so blessed, so how dare I not be good enough. How dare I not be almost perfect when everything is so great. But everything isn't great. I'm a mess. And this is yet another thing I pray no one will read, because I don't deserve anyone's kindness. I'm too pathetic. Maybe now I can kneel and become stronger until I can stand on my feet. I'm sorry, I just needed to let something get out. There just has been too much to keep inside. I broke.